don't knock it till you try it: adult conversation

So the thing about having a baby is that I was really looking forward to the maternity leave. Starting at the age of 15, I've basically always had a job. From Cathay Chow Mein to Big Agriculture, I've been working virtually nonstop for 18 years. The one time I was fortunate enough to get laid off (unemployment benefits!!) I was offered a job I didn't even seek out within about two weeks. WTF, right??

For years I've dreamed about getting a break from it all--and finally my reprieve arrived in the form of a small human I must help usher through the world for the rest of my life. And although I had serious doubts about my maternal instincts and my appropriateness as a potential parent, there is one thing I had no doubts about at all--those three months of government-approved, mostly unpaid time off.

I was under no illusion that it would be a vacation. Most of the nauseating cliches have proven to be true--parenting really is a full-time job, the sleep deprivation will render you clinically bipolar, etc. etc. But one thing that is not true is this: I do not miss the "adult conversation."

That's one of the things I hear working mothers talk about all the time. "I loved staying home for a couple months, but it was good to get back to work--I missed the adult conversation."

I really don't understand what they're talking about. Where do these women work?? Are there any open positions there for a hack writer?? In my experience, the "adult conversation" I experience at work can be boiled down to a lot of passive-aggressive nonsense rendered in meaningless corporate quasi-sentences ("Shannon, why don't you reach out to the VP of EHS for his take--I'm feeling rather agnostic about the talking points you've drawn up.")

Don't they have any friends with whom they can chat? I know it's tedious to hear all about someone's baby, but it's also tedious to sit through a breakdown of just how insulting it was when that one executive insisted on two spaces at the end of a sentence instead of one despite the fact that it's just plain wrong and makes him look completely old fashioned!!!

There were many times during the first three months at home with the baby when I would look at her--red-faced, screaming for five hours straight, ruing the day she was born--and think, "Would I rather be at work right now?" The answer was always no.