don't knock it till you try it: regret

Because of a series of fear-based, wine-numbed decisions I've made over the years (if by "decisions" you mean "lumbering inertia"), you can find me enjoying my lunch most days in the break room of my corporate workplace. Had things turned out differently for me, I probably wouldn't even think to have lunch most of the time. I'd be too distracted foreignly corresponding or whatever.

But as it is, here I am. I generally grab a small stack of magazines from the window sill, the recipient's address carefully snipped off the cover. I'll usually start out with something "smart"--The Economist or The Atlantic, maybe--but on a bad day, stuff like that just makes me think of college, and how what I'm doing now is so completely the opposite of what I ever imagined myself doing with my life back then, and all the wasted opportunities and the shattered dreams...

So I usually end up reading something far stupider, like Ladies Home Journal or More ("for women of style and substance"). Feeling superior, I'll read with nasty delight page after page of woman-to-woman advice on the best way to store your plastic tupperware when cabinet space is at a premium or how to be a "husband whisperer" (e.g. how to make your dude do more housework through subtle coercion).

This is soothing until I make the mistake of reading the celebrity interview, in which the actress "opens up" about her struggles. Without fail, she's asked about her regrets in life. And invariably, she says the following: "I have no regrets in my life. Every experience I've had, good or bad, has made me who I am today."

Fuck that, I say.

Okay, so I've tried to talk myself into believing a version of that sentiment before--usually while I'm resisting the temptation to jerk my car into oncoming traffic. But I don't really mean it. "I have no regrets." It sounds hollow. It sounds like a lie.

Relentless positivity seems to be all the rage these days, like it's a competition to display who has "grown" the most from his or her setbacks. "What doesn't kill me makes me stronger," said a coworker who was forced out of her job for dubious reasons most likely due to blatent sexism. "It is what it is," said a friend whose wife left him for another man. Really?? It is what it is, sure...and it sucks, right??

I guess what I'm saying is, I have regrets. Lots of them. A whole lifetime of them!

Here are just a few:

• I regret that I didn't tell Ms. Strickland, the theater teacher at my junior high, to suck it when she told me I was "sinful" for rolling my eyes when she threw one of her ridiculous diva fits.
• I regret that I spent my high school years dutifully saving the money I earned from my part-time jobs for college, instead of blowing it all on ecstasy and hair dye.
• I regret that I didn't throw myself at _____ ____ in high school.
• And that I didn't force myself on _____ ______, _____ _______ and _______ ____ in college.
• Seriously, why didn't I at least try? God, I'm so STUPID...
• I regret that I quit my fun, horribly paid job at the tiny newspaper for a better (but still mediocrely) paying corporate job in one of the world's worst and most distant suburbs.
• Yeah, in retrospect, that was totally the wrong decision. The people at the newspaper were really smart and cool. What was I thinking?
• And again, why didn't I throw myself at _____ and _______?

Seriously, this is only the beginning when it comes to my particular ocean of regret. And clearly, I've got a theme going on--it's all the stuff I didn't have the nerve to do that haunts me the most. It's a grim thing indeed to look back on your life so far and realize what a major coward you've been.

Maybe I'm being a little hard on myself. I have positive memories too, things that I'm "proud" of (although maybe "pride" isn't the right word for some of the illegal and/or morally dubious things I'm thinking about). I mean, I've taken a risk here and there. I haven't been a total and complete wuss. I've actually done quite a few "bad" things that I don't feel bad about at all.

I guess the point is that if you really want to cut down on your list of regrets, you should speak up, slut around, do what seems exciting and not what seems "right" and always risk appearing stupid. Here's to selfishness and irresponsibility! And to a fuller and more meaningful life.