don't knock it till you try it: thinking positive

I am not naturally inclined to "think positive." Even when I was a little kid, I remember approaching the world with a sense of impending doom. If something good happened--a starring role in the first grade Christmas pageant, for example--it was a foregone conclusion that something much more terrible would follow--a broken leg while processing up the theater aisle, the death of a beloved pet on opening night, etc. And if something horrible didn't happen, it was clear to me that "god" was up there in the sky, smirking and waiting for an even more impressive accomplishment to ruin with tragedy and pain. 

This negative, depressive mindset made my childhood somewhat difficult. Kids, I suppose, are meant to be curious, hopeful little cherubs. I was quiet, withdrawn, and gloomy. It wasn't a popular personality, but I remained true to myself, and eventually it all paid off when I went to arts high school, where the majority of other students had a worldview that at least was sympathetic to mine. Negativity was conducive to art stuff, apparently.  

But then I grew up, and started doing things like getting corporate suburban jobs to pay the rent on my studio apartment. At this point, I also starting making friends with some people who weren't sworn nihilists. They sensed my true personality, and started slipping me books about Buddhism. 

In the spirit of "open mindedness" I read (or at least skimmed) these books. The basic idea seemed to be this--stop obsessing about everything and being so ridiculously self-centered. Or in stupid-person terms--think positive! 

I would occasionally try to implement some of this cognitive therapy into my daily life. For example, when some catty type-A anorexic would insult my clothes or my shaky command of an eyeliner, I would try to breathe in the bad vibes and exhale positivity, like a plant converting carbon dioxide to oxygen. 

Although this seemed like the "right thing to do," I felt like an imposter. "Letting go" does not come easily to me. I'd prefer to narrow my eyes, make a snide comment and begin plotting my rival's complicated demise. 

But this is not the fashionable way to approach life these days. It isn't cool to hold a grudge, obsess about the way your first boyfriend totally precipitated your descent into clinical depression, or pass judgement on the convention of moms who congregate in the break room to talk about hockey tournaments. 

So in an attempt to be "normal" and also to possibly improve my mental health, I've decided to make a real effort to have positive thoughts for the next week. I will check in periodically to document how it's going.