don't knock it till you try it: thinking positive, part 2

I think I'm going to have to re-do my "let's think positive" experiment. The very day after I declared the project, I found myself in a traffic jam directly in front of my house. I live on 36th Street in Minneapolis, which must be the busiest "on ramp to 35W street" in the entire city. Just getting out of my parking space and into the road is an arduous task every single day. 

In the last week or so, the traffic on my street has mysteriously gotten even worse. Now, after I manage to merge into traffic, it generally takes about 15 minutes to drive to the highway--even though the highway is half a block away. 

So the other day I was waiting at the light that one must get through to get onto the highway, and I was stuck. None of the other cars were moving, so it was impossible to cross. I waited through at least three cycles of lights. "This is out of your control," I thought to myself in a soothing tone. "Give thanks for your vigorous health. Think positive!" 

Then the girl in the car behind me (the one who almost wouldn't let me merge in front of her, but I forced it and I'm sure she was scared I'd scrape up her car, and obviously that's the only reason she relented) suddenly swerved to the right, speeding around me and racing across the intersection to take the (nonexistent) space in the opposite lane that was rightfully mine. I cursed her and dramatically gave her the finger. 

Of course there was nowhere for her to go, and her car jutted into oncoming traffic, inspiring much honking of horns. Eventually I managed to cross the street and ended up in the lane to her left. I glared at her openly, but in true Minnesota fashion she pretended not to notice. I plotted about how I could cut her off in the most inconvenient way, but eventually ran out of energy, realizing how idiotically juvenile I was being.

Then it occurred to me that I had completely abandoned my positivity project. I wish I could say this was my only slip-up, but sadly, that is not the case. It's not that I was really being noticeably negative about things, it's just that I wasn't really consciously remembering to "think positive." So even though I can't outline a bunch of examples, I'm pretty sure I easily fell into my usual pattern of obsessive negative thoughts. 

I think perhaps giving myself the directive to "think positive" was not the most useful way to address this little project. That is, it's kind of like telling yourself not to be jealous when your boyfriend runs off with your former best friend. You can tell yourself what you "should" do, but it's generally not going to have any actual effect on your real thoughts and actions. 

So I'm thinking it might be better for me to focus on acting positively. I have a couple examples of positive actions from the past week, so perhaps all is not lost. But I'll give it another week or so, and then, as a treat, I think I'll allow myself to wallow for awhile in my true, negative nature.  

don't knock it till you try it: thinking positive

I am not naturally inclined to "think positive." Even when I was a little kid, I remember approaching the world with a sense of impending doom. If something good happened--a starring role in the first grade Christmas pageant, for example--it was a foregone conclusion that something much more terrible would follow--a broken leg while processing up the theater aisle, the death of a beloved pet on opening night, etc. And if something horrible didn't happen, it was clear to me that "god" was up there in the sky, smirking and waiting for an even more impressive accomplishment to ruin with tragedy and pain. 

This negative, depressive mindset made my childhood somewhat difficult. Kids, I suppose, are meant to be curious, hopeful little cherubs. I was quiet, withdrawn, and gloomy. It wasn't a popular personality, but I remained true to myself, and eventually it all paid off when I went to arts high school, where the majority of other students had a worldview that at least was sympathetic to mine. Negativity was conducive to art stuff, apparently.  

But then I grew up, and started doing things like getting corporate suburban jobs to pay the rent on my studio apartment. At this point, I also starting making friends with some people who weren't sworn nihilists. They sensed my true personality, and started slipping me books about Buddhism. 

In the spirit of "open mindedness" I read (or at least skimmed) these books. The basic idea seemed to be this--stop obsessing about everything and being so ridiculously self-centered. Or in stupid-person terms--think positive! 

I would occasionally try to implement some of this cognitive therapy into my daily life. For example, when some catty type-A anorexic would insult my clothes or my shaky command of an eyeliner, I would try to breathe in the bad vibes and exhale positivity, like a plant converting carbon dioxide to oxygen. 

Although this seemed like the "right thing to do," I felt like an imposter. "Letting go" does not come easily to me. I'd prefer to narrow my eyes, make a snide comment and begin plotting my rival's complicated demise. 

But this is not the fashionable way to approach life these days. It isn't cool to hold a grudge, obsess about the way your first boyfriend totally precipitated your descent into clinical depression, or pass judgement on the convention of moms who congregate in the break room to talk about hockey tournaments. 

So in an attempt to be "normal" and also to possibly improve my mental health, I've decided to make a real effort to have positive thoughts for the next week. I will check in periodically to document how it's going.