don't knock it till you try it: bike rage

Yesterday, while riding my bike to my parents' house, I got stuck behind two middle-aged female bikers. I was on the Minnehaha Creek bike path, which is, in theory, a two-way bike lane. Of course these slow-moving ladies were riding side-by-side, preventing me from easily passing them.

I realize I could have barked, "On your left!" and cut around them rudely, but I hate it when fake-pro bikers in their Clif Bar-branded bike shirts do that, so I decided to "do unto others" and just slow down and wait it out. It was only about half a block until my turn off--there was no urgent need for me to pass them.

I can't say that I was totally Zen about the wait. Their self-absorbtion was evident as they pedaled along slowly, oblivious to their surroundings, like the lumbering mothers in the grocery store who stand gazing vacantly in front of the pasta sauce, hands on hips as their cart blocks the aisle indefinitely.

I had plenty of time to listen to bits and pieces of the biking ladies' conversation ("Yes, so Alan works for 20 hours one week, scheduled, and then the other 20 hours are on his own time--evenings or weekends, if he wants, you know, flex time?") and to take in their Midwestern lady bike uniforms (the cautious bike helmets, the sensible mauve capris, the hiking sandals).

Finally we reached the intersection. Despite the fact that the traffic light was green, the women came to a halt, continuing to block the way. Since I wanted to turn right, I carefully edged around the women. I swear I wasn't a jerk about it. Then, when I'd ridden about 15 feet away from them, I hear one of them say, "Well, I think WE'RE just going to obey the rules over here."

Despite my naturally repressed nature, this "pushed a button," so to speak. Of course they would say something like that when I was far enough away to hear their snippy little comment, but probably too far away to bother confronting them about it. Typical midwestern passive-aggression.

I slowed down and looked back at them, rolling my eyes dramatically and making an ugly, sarcastic face that might have involved me sticking out my tongue. I considered turning around to go address their complaint in person (I've done this once before in response to a different condescending comment--it was strangely exhilerating), but I held back. It took all my resources not to flip them off or invite them to "blow me" (two knee-jerk responses that I suppressed).

Then I biked on to my parents house. I didn't mention the incident to them. (If it's even a little negative, then we don't talk about it.) My mom and I had plans to get dinner at a local Mexican restaurant. While we waited for our server, a vaguely familiar-looking guy came over to the table. "Susan? Shannon? Hi, it's 'Dave Semmler'!" It was the father of this guy I went to Catholic grade school with, whose parents I had known fairly well, back then.

We made idle chit chat for a few minutes. "I'm sure 'Mindy' will come over to say hi when she gets here--she's biking with a friend."

A few minutes later Mindy arrived, who I supposedly hadn't seen in 15 years. "Hi, Susan! Oh...Shannon. Hi." She looked at me, and I looked at her. It was a classic woman-to-woman disdain festival. A Curb Your Enthusiasm moment. There she was in her mauve capri pants and hiking sandals, her helmet in hand, her law-abiding friend behind her. "It's SO good to SEE you," she said in that totally dishonest manner that only women employ. I felt a rush of adrenaline. I could do it--I could make reference to the bitchy biking encounter! I could alienate everyone gathered around our table in faux-fellowship! But I lost my nerve. I agreed it was GREAT to see her, too. I'm not proud of giving in.

don't knock it till you try it: no alcohol, no raw foods

Every now and then I remember the dietary advice I received from my acupuncture practitioner, and guiltily try to follow it in the days leading up to an appointment. This is what I've been doing for the last week or so.

The guidelines don't really promote a hedonistic approach to life. The list of "things to avoid" includes the following:

• Coffee
• Alcohol
• Sugar
• Dairy products
• Salty foods
• Spicy foods
• Raw foods
• Iced beverages
• Nicotine and other stimulants

"This isn't going to be so bad," I told myself. I went out and bought cabbage, broccoli and beets, and sipped room-temperature water while Nick drank the wine I had purchased only two days before deciding to commit to the project of deprivation.

I already knew that most of friends were booze-crazed, but the point was driven home when the daily invitations to "go out for drinks" started pouring in. "I don't need to drink to have fun," I said to myself.

I met a few friends at Joe's Garage during "gay pride" to prove my point. They ordered drink after drink, without a care in the world. "This is great," I thought. I'm totally not going to have to pay a big tab at the end of the night."

But the evening wore on. "What am I doing here?" I started to wonder after a couple hours. My friends seemed to be having fun. But without the task of drinking to distract me, I noticed that my thoughts were getting increasingly existential. "Is this all there is?" I asked myself as a girl in a sequined miniskirt, stripper heels and a clown wig walked by.

Not-drinking-at-bars wasn't working out too well for me, so the next time a friend suggested drinks, I countered with an offer to meet for lunch. We met at an Italian restaurant in the suburbs, near our corporate offices. "Do you want to share the caprese salad?" she asked.

"Um, no..." I said. I explained that I was following some Chinese medicine dietary advice, and that I was probably going to order something really bland that no one would want to share. "Karen" asked why I wouldn't have the salad. "Well, I'm trying to avoid dairy products, and raw foods.."

"You're avoiding raw foods?" she looked at me like I was crazy. Everyone knows raw foods are like the healthiest thing ever! I felt like I'd just told her that I'd joined a cult. "Don't share any more details," I told myself.

Conclusion: When I eat healthier food and avoid alcohol, I feel better physically. But without the cloud-like effects of booze it's so much easier to notice all the horror in the mudane details of daily life. Also, don't try to explain why raw foods are "bad" according to Chinese medicine; it's just not worth the scorn.