Maybe it was the crushing boredom, or the sleep deprivation, or just my essentially pathetic existence, but today I decided it might be "fun" to google stalk my ex-boyfriends.I started with my first boyfriend, the gamer I dated when I was 15. At the time, I didn't realize he was a gamer--I thought he was cool, and that I was lucky and privileged that he thought I was worthy of accompanying him to the Perkins in Maplewood for three-hour games of Monopoly with his best friend, that guy in the black jeans who worked at Circuit City.
Anyway, this first boyfriend of mine was super into computers, so I assumed he would be all over the Internet. "What does he look like now?" I thought to myself, all excited. "Is he devastatingly attractive, or has he devolved into hideousness?" So I googled his name, but nothing. Evidently, someone with the same name is an "American criminal" who killed his girlfriend and her lover, and who "was captured three days later outside a liquor store in Shreveport, Louisiana where he was using a pay phone while intoxicated." This was interesting, but told me nothing about my first boyfriend and whether or not he regrets the way he left for college and just totally stopped calling me.
So my first attempt was disappointing, but I was undeterred. I looked up the juvenile delinquent who worked with me at the bagel shop and whom I briefly "dated" during the summer when I was 16 and rollerbladed into hot tar. Those results were fruitless, as well. But in this case I didn't much care, because I was pretty ambivalent about that dude and wasn't even fazed when he quit the bagel shop, moved out of his foster home and completely disappeared.
I decided to change my focus to college. I stared at the screen and felt embarassed. Could anything that happened in college be interpreted as "dating"? Is it a sign that things are getting serious when a dude you've been drinking with makes out with your roommate and then tries to insult you by labeling you a "modernist"?
I looked up this guy, feeling hopeful that image results would provide evidence of alcoholic bloating and general decay. A tiny thumbnail of a totally pretentious-looking picture from Facebook came up--that must be him!--but when I clicked on it my workplace filters informed me that I was not allowed to look at something that had to do with "Dating/Relationships".
I started to feel stupid. Why am I bothering with this? I wondered. None of these guys would even think of google-stalking you, I scolded myself. And most girls probably have way more people to stalk! I lamented, feeling old and unpopular.
Conclusion: Google-stalking is largely unsatisfying, and has the added benefit of reminding you of your many mistakes, your lost youth and your inevitable death.
